Ultimately, we all want the same thing: a relationship in which the other person always understands me. Period (no fuss). Unfortunately, a relationship is one of the most challenging aspects of human existence. We search for a perfect picture, which doesn’t exist. In this blog, I highlight a common behavior: People-pleasing behavior. Both within and outside of a romantic relationship. The Pleaser, often found in men. Mister Nice Guy.
Many men want to avoid conflicts at all costs and especially show their friendly side, even if this harms their personality. They are not being true to themselves, which blocks them from achieving their goals and addressing their own needs. Throughout your life, you will meet wonderful, kind people with good intentions who give you energy and inspire you greatly. And… you will also encounter self-centered people who only think about their own interests and no one else’s.
While most of us try to get along with others as best we can, there is also a group, usually men, who try too hard to be liked. They suppress their true personality to avoid any conflict.
Realize that when showing kindness becomes harmful to yourself, there is a problem. You notice that you’re trying to keep that ball (your true personality) underwater for too long, which is exhausting. You keep suppressing your frustration, which builds up over time, eventually leading to an outburst—like a ticking time bomb that often goes off in a not-so-tactful action.
Kindness is certainly a positive trait; it involves giving a lot to others. But only when it’s done without expectations and unconditionally. Seeking validation from others through giving, or people-pleasing, is a toxic habit that I encourage you to unlearn.
The Pleaser often has a good relationship with his mother or was a ‘mama’s boy’ in the past, while the relationship with his father was more challenging. There’s a sense of resentment towards him, often accompanied by a lack of emotional connection during childhood (and often continuing into adulthood). Now, as an adult in a relationship with a woman (or man), the Pleaser will do everything to please their partner. ‘Your wish is my command.’ All she has to do is ask, gesture, or complain a little, and he will cater to her every need—without resistance and, crucially, without setting any boundaries for himself.
The point is: as human beings, we all have our own boundaries that we must protect and that must be respected by both ourselves and others. However, the Pleasing man likely doesn’t know what his boundaries are because he seeks to fulfill an unmet need. His own boundaries are nonexistent because he is waiting for nourishment: recognition, acceptance, appreciation and love from the other person. This longing has its roots in the past, in the yearning for his mother’s love.
Understand that if you’ve never set your boundaries, they aren’t clear to others. In a romantic relationship, the woman in question (as part of primitive animal behavior) will test you to see how far you can be pushed. She will test the water to understand what she can expect from you and how resilient you are.
However, you have a different need to satisfy and believe you can fulfill it through your relationship, so as a man, you continue to People-Please (in every form of relationship and contact with others). The underlying thought is: If I do this, then I will be seen, loved, and appreciated. By continually ‘setting the table, clearing it, washing the dishes, and tidying up’ for the other person, the woman will keep crossing your boundaries simply because she doesn’t know where they are. More precisely, she has no idea who she is really dealing with.
Over time, the woman grows tired of her partner’s ‘your wish is my command’ behavior. This results in her adopting a less pleasant attitude, characterized by masculine energy. She becomes harder, builds a wall around herself, and adopts a cold demeanor (commonly referred as a “bitch”)… and adopts the attitude of ‘I’ll handle it myself. Masculine behavior from the woman.
We know that the roles have now completely reversed at their core. And even if you can’t quite pinpoint it, you feel that this isn’t a healthy relationship. What has happened is that the entire balance between man and woman has been disrupted. There is now a submissive man and a dominant woman. Yet, deep down, the woman wants to lean on the man so she can soften, allow her emotions to flow more freely, and express herself through wisdom combined with strength, refinement, playfulness, and creativity.
The man is the shore; the woman is the water. He is steady, knows his place, knows himself… and can withstand the challenging woman. This allows the woman to navigate based on her intuition and experience the safety what’s needed to express herself while respecting the man’s needs. A beautiful dance develops between them, with the understanding that the man also has feminine sides. As humans, we all possess both masculine and feminine energies.
Returning to the Pleaser: he must realize that he needs to receive love from himself first. This happens by setting boundaries with others, standing up for himself, and daring to speak out (even if the outcome is uncertain). It requires integrity toward yourself without expectations and assumptions.
However be careful! This doesn’t mean swinging to the extreme of egocentric behavior, which often happens under the guise of ‘I’m choosing myself now.’ When every decision and process is labeled as self-love, it can manifest as cold arrogance. That won’t work. Egocentric behavior lacks empathy for the other person.
What is crucial in this whole dance of self-awareness and an honest love relationship is nonviolent communication. And this is essentially a spiritual practice. It starts with showing empathy for yourself and learning to express what is truly on your heart. Beyond blaming the other person, but the practice of describing something as it truly is, without sugarcoating or avoiding the harsh truth. It’s direct, it’s honest. And honesty is a foundation for safety and the ability to show understanding to each other.
Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a work relationship, keep it real. Unfortunately, honesty isn’t always easy to hear, and we often prefer to look the other way. But it catches up with you when you avoid facing yourself, and you’ll notice that the mask you wear also negatively affects many relationships, including friendships.
The goal of setting boundaries for both parties is to interact with each other on equal foot, with respect and empathy. And that can only happen when there is a genuine connection. However, you first need to establish this connection with yourself by listening to your feelings and no longer ignoring them (such as by staying stuck in your mind or over-rationalizing).
The most important part of this practice and training is to stop rejecting and judging yourself. If you do, you will end up rejecting and judging others as well.
With small steps, you’ll find that you can make surprisingly big leaps that can feel almost magical and deeply connective. Strive for an equal, respectful relationship in which you fully see yourself and the other person. This way, you can build a team where both take responsibility for themselves and are willing to create and give space for one another.
Realize that having a conversation, especially one involving disagreements, isn’t easy. Most of us have been discouraged from doing so at a young age. But it’s human—the resistance and the back-and-forth are necessary, and through this, we learn from each other and from ourselves.
We learn to lower our shields, we learn to appreciate the other person when they are right, and we learn to stand by our own truth without judging the other person. We discover how powerful truly talking to each other can be.
Everyone changes, but we often don’t see this in our own (romantic) relationships. It’s a tangled mess, an intertwined DNA strand that clouds our vision, making it hard to see each other clearly. We get stuck in the past….that’s safe, that’s what we know, and it’s also where we’ve been hurt. We project this into the present, into situations that trigger us now. However, the sting isn’t in the trigger; it has its hook into an event from the past.
Train yourself to realize that both you and the other person are constantly changing—sometimes one more than the other. Change is constant, and the question is: can you continue to strengthen and positively challenge each other in a relationship? Or do you outgrow each other, and it’s time to say goodbye?
Ultimately, the invitation is to stop trying to change the other person. That doesn’t work. Learn to notice this behavior in yourself. It’s a form of wanting to have influence and control, but the real issue lies within you. I often fall into this behavior too. It’s difficult and remains a lifelong practice.
See yourself, purify yourself every day. See the other person, and realize that there is absolutely no ideal image of what a relationship should be. Being in a romantic relationship is the hardest and, at the same time, the most beautiful thing there is.
What does it mean to be a man, and what does it mean to be a woman? We have images (imprints) and ideas about it, but the reality is completely different. It’s normal for both men and women to exhibit both masculine and feminine behaviors. You are human.
Stay away from the moral picture. If it works for you and for the other person, then that’s it. Period.
Are you curious and willing to work on yourself through inner work?
Do you want to get to know yourself better and work on personal development or processing trauma and intense events?
Become more aware and understand where certain rooted patterns and conditioned behavior come from. Visit the Plant Spirit Process page. Or sign up via the calendar, and you will receive a free introductory phone call.
Plant Spirit Process: a unique three-day therapeutic and spiritual process with 2 entheogenic plant teacher sessions, body-oriented exercises, integration session and group work.
Warm regards,
Carlijn
